Emotional Reciprocity
Interpersonally satisfying relationships are characterized by reciprocity, balancing between give and take (Bunk & Schaufeli, 1999) . However, many relationships do not follow this principle and conflict then becomes a major relational issue and becomes a strong predictor as to the longevity of the relationship. When things are not “fair†in relationships both resentment and sadness become common emotions and have a significant effect on both intimacy and communication.
Ironically, the concept of reciprocity is commonly first introduced in Nursery School in reference to being able to share with another. This is a normal and healthy developmental transition from independent, or parallel play , too cooperative , or play with others. In order for this to be successful, the child must learn how to share and realize that relationships are a two way , not a one way street. When such early social rules are followed, children are often vocal about feeling as though their fellow peer isn’t being “fair†in sharing or taking turns. Even for a 5 to 6 year old, they can sense when things don’t feel fair or reciprocal.
So, what happens ? Children are suppose to master sharing and taking turns by the time they enter Kindergarten ? Why are more than half of adult relationships non-reciprocal? One partner continues to give and the other takes. How can such early values be cast away in later relationships?
To make matters more complicated, mammals are DNA programmed to seek out opposite, rather than alike mates due to the concept of increasing survival by adding as many different traits and attributes which statistically should increase the lifespan of the hybrid. Survival of the fittest reasoning. However, social psychology research shows that we seek higher levels of happiness and satisfaction, and also live longer, when we are with “common†or “like†others , not the different ones. Here is a good example where biology and socialization come into a head on collision. Our bodies seek difference, yet our minds seek harmony if we understand and accept that life is complicated.
Consistently however, the primary function of Pre-School is to teach the important concepts involved in healthy play: of sharing and fairness ; taking turns . As good parents, we support these same two notions as well. So, what happens? If boys and girls are taught these two fundamental notions, why would that change? Due to the onset of Puberty, the neurological and biological changes in Humans are enormous and this is where the DNA strains are in search of larger growth and development geared towards increasing the development of more optimal traits. He is often when we observe teenagers interested in not only sexuality but a difference in oneself. Between the teens trying to separate and individuate from their parents in order to become independent from both psychological and biological perspectives, the choice of the romantic other is often very different than either parent sometimes causing great concern.
We can only hope that with time, maturation, and education, one learns how physical attraction is often based on biological difference than actual “loveâ€. Along with love comes caring, empathy, and hopeful reciprocity if one truly finds a longstanding compatible partner. How does this relate to the notion of Emotional Reciprocity? It has to do with how alike or not alike are the partners from an Emotional Perspective. The more alike in a couple, the more equal the concept of caring and sharing. On the other hand, if you have a partner or a friend who is very different than you emotionally, then there is a higher likelihood that the emotional aspect of the relationship will suffer and typically one party feels as though they are getting the shorter end of the stick which feels hurtful. Over time this can build into resentfulness which then leads to a loss of closeness and increased bonding.
So. If you feel as though your relationship isn’t fair, speak up to your partner before it’s too late and work on being on the same emotional page if you want to grow closer, not further, apart.